40 minutes and bird-by-bird
The other morning, I was slipping into one of my moods. Had a disturbed sleep the night before. Somehow, there was no running water in one of the kitchen sinks. The fridge was out of vegetables. So, between the utensils, breakfast, grocery ordering, taking out the garbage etc - it took about 1.5 hours since getting out of bed before I could get to my normal routine. And that was throwing me off.
Thankfully, recognised the slide and handled it early. Starting with the reminder to self about āNo Dramaā. Announced to L that Iād need some time by myself. Spent 40 mins just reading the next chapter from the book - Bird by Bird. And I was back!
Often enough though, itās not very clear on whatās throwing me off. Sometimes itās internal, sometimes environmental. Often, a mix of both. The headlines these days do not help.
The world surely feels turbulent
When I am walking around with a heavy or anxious head, I like taking this brain-dump: just writing down the full list of each and every little thing that I have going through my head.
From that ācall that I need to make in the eveningā to āwhat the hell am I doing with my lifeā feeling. Doing this has a weirdly calming effect on me. Perhaps a sense of relief that itās all out there on paper. And with that safety of not losing these thoughts, I stop thinking about them in a loop.
Mapping my failure modes
Over the last 3 years - and also reaching further back from my older writings - Iāve been paying closer attention to when I crash and what precedes it. That helps avoiding some of the familiar spirals. Ultimately, I believe this self-knowledge is the structural scaffolding that holds me from crashing down more often.
Some of it is simply knowing my triggers and building around them. Sensationalist headlines are one - like the ones from certain media houses. So are Whatsapp conversations before 10 in the morning, or too many social commitments. And so I work around these. Nothing dramatic - a physical newsletter instead of a feed, deliberately slow mornings, time for a daily-ish walk / run. Basically, a routine woven around what I know drains me and what brings me joy.
Like any habit, this followed the effort curve. It took some effort initially. But after a while, itās just become a second nature - how I move through the day.
Personal experience. Your mileage may vary.
The playbook
I kept the other kind of notes too - what actually helped, and when. An hour long walk on a non-routine path usually resets me. Sometimes just announcing my need for a bit of me-time. And then reading a book or creating some cartoons or writing. Or just watching birds and squirrels on the tree outside the window through my binoculars. And I am back!
Bulbul - adult and a chick. And .. sunbird?
This is a continuous exercise, mapping the failure modes and corresponding responses. But after a while, I have started to surprise myself less often. Patterns have become familiar.
Now I know, for instance, that not having written or built anything for a long stretch makes me irritable. But recognising it took a while.
Over time, this self-mapping habit has helped me create my own playbook of sorts, that I actually refer to.
- āFeeling un-moored? Maybe try finishing anything in next 15 minutes - how about cleaning the bathroom?ā
- āFeeling frustrated? first of all, remember - No Dramaā.
- āGetting overwhelmed by a sense of lack of control? Check if anything on the plate is a totally voluntary commitment.ā And so on.
The system has been working for a while now. Itās not perfect. Itās also extremely boring. Structural scaffoldings usually are.